
Part Two: No Time Limit to Healing
Last week, I was very quiet on social media. In fact, I didn’t post at all after Sunday. That’s because it was time for my annual trip to Inverness—to visit Nicki. This is where his final resting place is, and once a year I go to spend a few days with him, celebrating his birthday.
It’s always bittersweet. While I get the gift of spending time with my sister-in-law, my niece, and my nephew—Nicki’s wife and children, who I adore—it also brings the sharp reality of loss to the surface.
This year was harder than the ones before. With Nicki being so far away, I’ve become skilled at pretending he’s just away somewhere, that he’s not truly gone forever. But when faced with his headstone on the day of our arrival, that fragile wall of denial shattered. I crumbled into my husband’s arms, begging him not to make me look. In that moment, I realised just how high the walls I’ve built around my grief have become—and just how much I’ve kept locked away.
As the days went on, standing at his grave became a little easier. But the truth is, I’ve accepted something: this pain isn’t going to vanish. It’s part of me now. I carry it every day, tucked away behind those walls so I can function. And if I’m honest, I don’t think I’ve truly grieved Nicki’s loss. Neither has his wife. Instead, we’ve poured ourselves into making sure his message continues—to ensure no person, no matter their role or occupation, feels unseen or unheard. We’ve been so focused on fighting for that good to come from this sadness, that we’ve avoided facing our own.
Is that healthy? Probably not. But it’s the way we’ve learned to cope.
Now that I’m home again, I’ve thrown myself back into my garden, into learning how to grow and preserve food, and into planning our autumn collection. Creating, learning, and watching vegetables grow gives me a quiet peace. It’s not acceptance—not yet—but it is part of the journey.
And that’s what I want to remind you of today: wherever you are on your journey, it’s okay. There is no time limit to healing. Your heart will take things at its own pace, and that is perfectly okay. Remember—burnout is not a badge of honour. It’s okay to not be okay.
With love,
Jamie x
Founder
Camrhisa Designs